Boys are... Lame

Lemme catch you up on my dating life:

So I joined Match.com when I first moved here to New York because I was interested in dating and I wasn't sure how I was going to meet anyone, so Match.com seemed like a legit way. So about a few weeks into it I a guy, Tom, messaged me. We started texting back and forth. He's from Long Island, 24, finishing his last year as a cinema student at Huntington College in New York... so I was like, "Okay. We have a lot in common".

FIRST DATE: It. Was. So. Awkward. LOL We didn't really know what to say to each other. I kept trying to keep the conversation moving but I could only think of so many topics before my brain went, "Fuck this! Let him find someone to talk about!" LOL Our first date was a movie (Last Exorcism) and then dinner at a diner in Astor Place, where the awkward conversation took place. We actually said "Yeah" about 10 times in a row. No Joke!

So I just figured we would probably just be friends because I didn't feel a connection/spark. So I invited him to a game night at my place with my friends. He didn't stay long since it's about an hour to 2 hour drive between here and Long Island (depending on traffic). And he ended up leaving at the perfect time, because 5 minutes after he left, my friend Carolyn started to vomit. LOL

We hung out a couple of times with my friends, by catching dinner or going to UCB. Finally I decided to hold his hand since he seemed to like me but didn't seem to be making any effort, but he responded by caressing it, which was nice, so I'm like, "Okay. He likes me." And then he drove 3 hours through tornado weather to see me, so Carolyn thinks he likes me. LOL

About 2 weeks into our "dating" I went over to his place for the second time to watch Supernatural with him, only this time, instead of watching it in his basement, like we did the first time, we went into his bedroom because that's where his TiVo was... So I was awkward because we only just kissed a little before and now we were on his bed... And of course the only way to be comfortable was for both of us to play down on his twin bed... LOL *sighs* Which lead to us making out and the removal of some clothes... WHICH IS BAD BECAUSE I didn't even know how I felt about him at the time!!! But the conversation of sex came up and he said that he didn't want to have sex until there were "feelings" which I'm assuming he meant the feeling of love, but he didn't say it, and I agreed. I've had meaningless/unemotional sex. It's not as good as sex with someone you have feelings for. So I was relieved to hear that Tom wanted to wait. But he warned me that he would probably pressure me into it because he's good at screwing things up. Which I thought was cute that he was nervous about screwing things up because that meant that he intended for us to got somewhere and not for us to just be... fuck buddies? I mean (as lame as this is going to sound) he made plans to see Harry Potter with me in November, which freaked me out because that eluded to commitment and I have a fear of commitment...

A few days later we went to another movie (Catfish) and it was like I was dating another person! He was a lot more chatty and relaxed and funny and I really liked it! He was always close to me or touching me by holding my hand or having his arm around me. It was really cute! I liked this "new" Tom. When I commented it on, he said it was because the first couple times we got together I was seeing his "representative", which cracked me up! I had never thought of it like that before! When you meet new people, you (tend) to be on your best behavior and don't show the real you aka "You send your representative"!

The nest week Tom came over and made dinner for me! He made homemade chicken parmesan, which was really good. But it was so weird and awkward because 1) I didn't know what to do while he was cooking. I was just standing around like an idiot, and 2) when we sat down at the dining room table to "have our romantic dinner", my roommates Justin and Alex were 5 feet away watching "The Waterboy" and could hear everything. LOL So they felt awkward, I felt awkward, I'm betting Tom felt awkward. LMAO Good times. After dinner, Tom and I went to "The Town" in the next city over, but got lost on our way back! LOL I thought it was hilarious because it's kinda a sketchy area but you can't turn around, and we didn't have a GPS so I didn't know how to get us back to my place unless we turned around. LOL So we drove a good 5-10 miles out of the way so we could turn around and get back on the NJP. I thought it was a fun adventure. I'm not sure what Tom thought. But once we got back to my place we went into my room to fool around. Things progressed... Talents were shared... And things were denied.


Then Friday night came... I wasn't feeling the best when I left but I wanted to see Tom because I had been thinking about him a lot. But the further I went, the worse I began to feel. Eventually I had to pull over somewhere in Queens and pull into a McDonalds because I was so dizzy and felt sick to my stomach. I was about 30 minutes way from Tom, but I had been driving for close to an hour because of traffic and the stop and go plus the lights really made me feel sick. He offered to come and pick me up but I felt bad about that and I didn't want to leave my car in some random place in Queens so I drove the rest of the way. When i got to Tom's we sat on his couch and watched Supernatural, which was really cool because the dark helped my headache and Tom was there to his arm around me and rub my temples and he made me feel better. Then for some reason, he decided we should move to his room... So whatever, we did. And we end up making out again, but... *trying not to laugh* I was having monster heartburn on top of whatever else I was feeling, so I was having these throat noise/burp things happening... It was SO frickin embarrassing! I can't believe he was still trying to kiss me and make out with me when all these weird noises were coming from my throat! So I was really embarrassed but he didn't seem to care. But things progressed... and I denied... but then I started to feel weak because of what he was doing and... things happened that shouldn't have happened because I wasn't really ready for it. *sighs* I totally shouldn't have let it happen. I wasn't emotionally ready for it. I didn't expect it to happen, but my bff Dave told me I was stupid for thinking that Tom really wanted to wait because "guys are horny and God gave us 2 heads but only enough blood to work one at a time". LOL So... I don't know how Tom feels about what happened. I know that as soon as it happened I regretted it and wished that I had waited until we were ready. And I know that as soon as it happened I shut down emotionally and wanted to leave immediately after it happened, but instead I just laid there in his bed thinking, "Okay. When would be the best time to leave without him thinking I'm runaway... which I am". LOL So I left about 15 minutes later since "that temptation was over". (He actually said that after it was over. I believe the exact words were "Well, now we don't have to worry about that temptation" or something like that...)

So now I feel like Tom got what he wanted all along and I have no idea how he feels about what happened because WE DON'T TALK!!! The most we say is "How's your day?" Like no serious conversation has ever passed our lips with each other. I don't know if he's not comfortable talking to me, or if he's a private person, or what, but because he doesn't share, I'm not sharing either, which is really weird for me because I'm used to being able to talk openly to whoever I date, which I really value, but I don't feel like I can talk to Tom, which sucks because my bff Alex wants me to talk things out him. But instead, I've just been avoiding him. LOL Way to go me. take the 14 year old approach. I'm not answering a lot of his texts (which is our ONLY form of communication), I haven't asked about when we're going to see each other next, and I actually told him that we probably won't see each other for a while because of his job, my new job, and his school. He seemed disappointed... I guess?

UGH! I CAN'T FIGURE THIS KID OUT! I haven't met any of his friends so I can't snoop that way and he's not close to any of my friends to talk to them about what's going on so I'm lost! I think he likes me, yes. How much? I have no freaking clue! How does he feel about having sex before there were "feelings"? I have no freaking clue! Alex my roommate told me I should tell him that I don't want to have sex anymore because I'm not ready. He thinks he'll understand because he's seen Tom with me and thinks Tom really cares about me. Alex my bff told me the same thing about telling him I don't want to have sex again until I'm ready but how the hell do I bring it up?!