So Many Options...

I never thought having TOO many opportunities would be a problem, but it is! When I first started applying for internships, I applied to pretty much anything dealing with the industry and got a couple offers. I first got offered an internship with a movie trailer company. It's a small business called Zealot Productions, and I was super excited because I always wanted to do movie trailers but I had no idea how to go about it! But the current intern didn't know when his last day was, so he was going to call me about that.

Meanwhile, I got an internship with HGTV as a set intern (or free PA) on Dear Genevieve, but I ended up doing office work the first two weeks because they weren't in production yet. I don't mind office work, but I just didn't really like it there. Several times they sent me out on errands without giving me enough petty cash to cover the costs, so that irritated me. The "last straw" came after a long day and they sent me to the post office... at 5:15pm... to mail 20 certified letters... and I was suppose to get off at 6pm. Well, as we all know, most post offices aren't open after 5p so I had to go to one of the few in Manhattan that was, which was 20 blocks away. When I get there there is a little bit of a line so I had to wait about 15 minutes because there were only 3 people working. So I get up there, only to be told that I have to fill out 20 little slips of paper to send certified mail. So I get OUT of line and go fill out 20 slips of paper for these envelopes. I turn around to get back in line and the line is half away across the building, and this is a HUGE building! I didn't get up to the counter until 6:45p, and then the clerk had computer problems before having to scan and weigh each letter individually. Turns out certified mail costs $3.24 a letter... I was given $26 for 20 letters... If you do the math, you can see that I wasn't given NEARLY enough money to cover the costs, so I had to put it on my credit card. (The total was around $64) I didn't get out of the post office until 7:15p and they wanted me to come BACK to the office afterwards to drop off the slips. So I called the office and no one picked up, so I assumed that they left and caught dinner with a friend. They called me at 7:30p asking if I was coming back still... Needless to say, I got reimbursed for my money the next day, then quit the following.

But I had another internship lined up with Paladino Casting. It's a small casting agency and since I'm interested in casting, and they hire interns as freelance once they're internship is done, I took that position in hopes of getting a job out of it.

Meanwhile, Zealot called me back and asked me to begin working next week.

PROBLEM: 1. These internships are non-paid, so I need a paying job. So I applied at Red Lobster in Secausus, NJ and since the assistant manager is from Iowa, I got an immediate interview! YAY I go back for an interview with the manager next week. =) But I need to work about 20-30 hours a week there, which means I need to give them 4 days of availability, but I am working 4 days a week on the internships... 2. I have received a few calls about interning at a talent agency, WHICH I REALLY WANT TO DO! And there is one that has the possibility of turning into an assistant position, so I of course want to work there... which means I would have to say goodbye to the movie trailer internship since there is no possibility of growth within the company. It would be purely for experience, or as my ex put it: "fluff". I also got offered an internship with a talent management company that I had to turn down because I accepted the movie trailer internship.

So... I have been offered many internships (YAY! GOOD!), all unpaid (BOO), and I don't have enough time in the week to do them (BOO?) so I think I'm going to tell the movie trailer internship that I can't do it anymore (since they took 2 weeks to get back to me) and have found another position. I have been praying about getting an internship with a talent agency and I have an interview with one so... I'm thinking my prayers are being answered, which means I need to say goodbye to the "fluff" internship, even though I'm really interested in movie trailers. =(

Are you Fucking Kidding me?!

I started to be okay with it. I started to get over it. I vented and got it all out and it made me feel better. I began to think that I was over reacting... AND THEN I FIND OUT SHE'S ONLY 20!? YOU'RE SOON TO BE 27!!! WHAT THE HELL?! You like them younger so they're easier to manipulate and lie to? Jesus! I really thought I was okay with it until I found this out.

*COUPLE HOURS & A CONVO LATER*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! YOU FUCKING PISS ME OFF!!!! I needed to talk to you about what I was thinking and feeling and then we end up throwing a pity party for you! We end up talking about how you think you ruined Sarah's life and how your life is shit and I, of course, end up going into friend mode and talking to you about it and trying to help you see that it wasn't your fault. THIS CONVO WASN'T SUPPOSE TO BE ABOUT YOU! I wanted to tell you off. To be pissed. To get some advice. But No Fucking No! SOMEHOW the convo gets turned around to you! You fucking tricked me into being your friend for an hour. Even if you don't claim that you did, fuck you. You did. Because you knew that I would. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I want to hate you so much but I can't! I want to cut you out of my life. I want to say goodbye. I want to tell you to fuck off, that you hurt the one person who cared for you like a real friend should. The one person who helped you get through the beginning of your divorce. The one who listened and said what needed to be said even if I didn't agree. I sympathize with her more than I do you. And I know that's terrible because I'm suppose to be YOUR friend, but I understand where she is coming from because I've been there. You were her Matt, only she went through with the marriage while I had the guts to back out in time. The more I learn, the more you're like Matt... and that breaks my heart all over again.

I know you want to be friends... And part of me wants that too. But I don't know if it's possible. I don't know if I can be unbias. Because I'll tell you right now I want you and her to fail. I don't want you and her to work out because... because it would hurt. You look nice for her. You put on cologne for her. You only did that for me twice... I don't want you to move on. Not yet. And I want to be bitter and mad but I don't know if I should. I'm so fucking confused about all of this. I feel like if I become your friend so quickly that I'm letting you off the hook too easily. But I feel like if I stay mad, I'll just push you away. Alex and Dave want me to drop you and never talk to you again. And part of me agrees... but part of me doesn't want to let go. I made you promise not to disappear again, and now I want you to stick to the promise, even if it's bad for me.

What was I thinking?

So I keep having dreams about my ex who I haven't talked to in... 2 years. So I read into all these dreams as, "Hey! Maybe I should contact him again!" because when you first wake up in the morning, your mind is running on all cylinders... So I send him a text message using the last phone number I have for him. I pretty much said it was me, that I knew texting him was completely random but my dreams told me too (I'm an idiot), and I would like to reconnect with him if he wanted. I receive a text back saying, "I don't know you leave me alone". Okay... so did I get the wrong number or did I actually get my ex and he wants nothing to do with me? So I sent him a message on fb asking him. LOL I. Am. So. Retarded. I'm just getting tired of these dreams that I keep having of him. You'd think after 3/4 years I would be over him, but apparently NOT. I keep having dreams that he wants to be with me again. Ugh. And then I keep having dreams that my recent ex is trying to sleep with me sister so... that's nice. My head is fucked up. Yay me.

Annoyed rambling!

I have been wanting to talk to you all day and then you go to bed! UGH! I know that you can't really help being sick, but I wanted to hear about your weekend and tell you about my night and you freakin go to bed! That annoyed me so freaking bad!!! I don't think I'm really upset with you so much as I'm upset with myself for being this upset about it! I shouldn't care so much that I can't talk to you. We're not dating anymore, but you're the one I want to talk to and share my day with and I get sad when I can't. I also just realized that I get jealous of your time. When it's not with me, and I don't know what you're doing, I'm wondering who you're with and I'm jealous, which is so incredibly stupid. I feel stupid.