Visit from Friends!

Last weekend my friend from my hometown came to visit me! She is currently interning for the White House in DC and since it isn't far away and she's never been to NYC before, she came up to visit for the weekend! It was SO nice to see someone from home. Not just Iowa but from my HOMETOWN! We spent the first day in Central Park going to Strawberry Fields,
where they were having a John Lennon memorial because of his birthday so there were flowers and people singing Beatles/John Lennon songs. Then Shannon and I tried to find the Belvedere Castle but had trouble finding it... We ran into the creatively named "Lake" which, as you may have guessed, is a lake. And then we made our way up the big Res, when we realized we had PASSED the Castle! So we trucked back down and found it after finding the miniature Washington Monument. LOL Shannon didn't believe the castle really existed. She was "90% it doesn't really exist". LMAO. But we found it! It was next to lots of baseball fields, exactly where one would expect to find a castle... LOL It was completely random. The only reason it was built was because the guy who was designing Central Park wanted to put a castle in there because he was from England and wanted a touch of "home"... LMAO But there was an excellent view from the castle that overlooked "Turtle Lake" and guess what... There were turtles in there! After the castle we accidentally found "The Ramble" which Shannon and I had no clue what that was but we were trying to find it and did! It turns out it's a nature preserve and it's really, really pretty. I will probably never find it again, but it was cool!
After the park we went to grab lunch in Times Square. I was trying to take her to Junior's, but I couldn't find it so we ate a Au Par. When I had to leave her for a while so I could go to work for a few hours to train. =( But she explored Times Square a little and went up the Empire State Building so she had a good time. After work I picked her up and we went back to my place to just chill the rest of the night.
The next day we planned to walk the Brooklyn Bridge, grab ice cream and explore New York but I was having a heck of a time trying to navigate! First, thanks to me, we got lost on the PATH train because it was the first time I was taking it and I got off at Grove Street, thinking it was Grove Street in NEW YORK because that's what my MAP SAID. But it turns out we were ACTUALLY in Jersey City... Go me. So we wondered around there for 30 minutes because I thought we were in New York even though I told her it looked too residential. HA! I WAS RIGHT! So once we got back on to the PATH and made it to the city I tired to get us to the Fulton Street area, and THANKFULLY my friend Dan decided to meet up with us because I was so lost! We briefly walked through Greenwich before hoping on the subway to get to Fulton and while I was taking us to another subway to get to the bridge, it turns out we were AT the bridge and had I just TURNED AROUND I would have saw it. Wow. Luckily Dan saw us and corrected my ignorance. LOL So we walked across the bridge. It was gorgeous weather. We got to Brooklyn and I took them past Grimaldi's Pizza, where the line was ridiculously long as always, to Brooklyn's Ice Cream Factory which has awesome ice cream! While down on the docks we saw 3 brides, which I swear, EVERYTIME I go there I see brides! Its crazy! But the best part was on our way back to the subway, we saw this: Yup. That's a bridal party at a hotdog stand! It was the funniest thing ever! I was trying to rationalize it in my head and I just couldn't!
Once back in Manhattan, I TRIED to take us to Chelsea Piers and Battery Park but... nope. We ended up in the Financial District and I took them... I don't even know where. But we saw the Irish Famine Memorial which is really cool actually. So the second day was spent with me being lost in the city/Jersey dragging poor Shannon around. I felt so bad! I need to brush up on my navigation skills before my next tourists come!

Earlier this week my friend Rachel came down from upper New York to take my headshots for me. I hadn't seen her in awhile so I was so excited! I ended up meeting her a lot later than I wanted to because I ended up working later I thought and had to get my haircut first, but we went to Central Park for photos. We found out that we both have the same car! I had to drive into the city and miraculously I found a parking spot next to Central Park and we passed my car on the way in, and she told me we have the same car! Love it. But anyway, she took 170 some pictures for me which I REALLY appreciate and can't WAIT to see! I know that I'm going to have a hard time choosing which ones to make my headshots but that's better than hating them and having to settle! After a few hours in the park and me trying to find the castle again (I failed) we headed back to my car and on the way we passed JERRY SEINFELD!!! He was wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses, but it was totally him! He was my first celebrity encounter on the streets of New York! I met Haylie Duff, Ashley Greene, and Kelsey Grammer at their shows, and Wilson Heredia (Angel from the original RENT and the movie) at his agent's office, but this was the first "OMG I SEE A CELEBRITY TRYING TO BE INCOGNITO encounter! Unfortunately Rachel didn't see him, so I don't have verification. =( But I know it was him. It had to be... I'm 90% sure.

New York Bar Scene... You're Better Than I Thought!

I went to my first bar this weekend. And by that I mean the first time I've gone to the bar scene in New York City. It was for Carolyn's 25th surprise birthday party that her boyfriend, Ronnie set up. We went to a bar called Turtle Bay Tavern. It was $40 all-you-can-drink, SUPPOSEDLY top shelf but... I don't know if it was for sure of not because I was drinking Malibu and Cokes all night. There was a line but it didn't take too long to get in. I was afraid that Carolyn was going to see me and her other friend in line, but she walked right by us listening to her headphones. LOL
So we get in and go to the back where Carolyn's party is waiting. Ronnie was able to coax her to come out because it was actually Ronnie's friend, Brian's birthday. I was afraid that Carolyn wouldn't show up... but she made her way to the back and we all yelled surprise and sang Happy Birthday. (Brian sang it to himself. LOL) She was surprised and very happy. =) I was afraid I was going to feel "left out" because I don't know most of Carolyn's friends from her PT classes, but her sister Marie was there, and she's so much like Carolyn I can talk to her easy. I also knew a few other people like Jose, Brian, and Cory, but not well enough to hold a conversation. So Carolyn said hi to everyone and Ronnie brought out a birthday cake for her. (This kid went all out! Flowers, balloons, a birthday cake, planning a surprise party... me thinks he's in love. LOL)
After all the conversing, we heard there was a dance floor on the second floor so Marie and I headed up and Car was to follow. The music was great! The bar was PACKED! Somehow Marie was able to squeeze her way in and order drinks for us and then we went up on the balcony because there was more room and it was cooler up there. Car and Ronnie met up with us after a few. The BEST part was when a bartender "BIG RICH" got up on the bar and started dancing to one of the songs.
I cannot remember the song... It was an older rock song but I feel in love with him at that moment! LMAO. He was a bigger guy, so I was automatically physically attracted to him, but then when he got on the bar to dance... That did it for me. <3
After a few songs Carolyn wanted to head back down, but it was too warm downstairs so we headed BACK up to the dance floor. It had cleared out a little and the music was still rocking so we were dancing by the bar. Another bartender got up on the bar and climbed to the balcony and hung upside down then walked across the girder...
It was insane. Two songs later girls started dancing on the bar and the bartenders were encouraging it! It was crazy! One of Carolyn's friends, Anton got up on the bar to dance with them, but they took him down because he was a guy. LOL Then, somehow, Marie and Carolyn were on the bar dancing! I thought they went up for drinks and next thing I knew, they were on the bar! It was hilarious! THEN they started dancing with MY FUTURE HUSAND "Big Rich"! LOL I was so jealous. =)
All-in-all, the bar was awesome and even though my friend Dan didn't show up, I had so much fun and better yet, I know Carolyn had a blast at her surprise birthday party. =)

What I Love About New York

New York is unlike any city in the world. Here are some things about New York that make it unique that I love:
- Seeing a business man in his suit & tie walking a miniature wiener dog during his lunch break
- So much yellow!!! (Yay taxis!)
- You can wear whatever you want and no one thinks anything of it. You actually find something about it to be cute, no matter how crazy looking it is
- How different each section of New York is. Soho is so different from Midtown, which is different from Harlem, which is different from the Upper East Side which differs from the Upper West Side, which is nothing like the Financial District... and each of these places are so close to each other! I know IMMEDIATELY when I go from Chelsea to Union Square to Greenwich. It's bizarre and cool at the same time.
- The tunnels are so cool. My fave it Park Ave tunnel. It looks so old and creepy, and then you pop up right in front of Grand Central Station, which is the coolest site ever! The first time I did that I gasped.
- A lot of people have dogs, and a lot of places allow you to bring your dog to work! =)
- The old buildings are just so freaking cool to see. And then to see them next to newer skyscrapers... it's awesome
- The lights of Times Square. Even at night it looks like daylight even at night.
- The parks are so nice. Maybe it's because there isn't a lot of "greenery" in the city, but I love seeing the parks. It's so tranquil.
I went to Bryant Park the other day with my friend Carolyn at night, and there's an open field were people were just laying around and reading because there is a light from of the building shining into the park like bright moonlight. It was so cool!
-Watching a traffic cop keep a car from making a turn by standing in the way, then walking along the side of the car so it couldn't turn around him until it was out of the intersection. It was the funniest thing ever! I was more than willing to stay through my greenlight to watch this!
- Motorcyclist weaving in and out traffic. It's scary and so awesome at the same time. I actually prefer to WATCH the OTHER motorcyclists do this, rather that I be the one to do it.
- The syncronated movement of taxis switching lanes is like a magical dance. Its incredible how they don't run into each other as they all switch lanes together.
-Ice Cream trucks are located every few blocks, along with Falafal trucks, taco trucks, smoothie trucks, the occasional waffle trucks and the sacred cupcake truck. (The cupcake truck is rare. You never know where it's going to be...)

Boys are... Lame

Lemme catch you up on my dating life:

So I joined Match.com when I first moved here to New York because I was interested in dating and I wasn't sure how I was going to meet anyone, so Match.com seemed like a legit way. So about a few weeks into it I a guy, Tom, messaged me. We started texting back and forth. He's from Long Island, 24, finishing his last year as a cinema student at Huntington College in New York... so I was like, "Okay. We have a lot in common".

FIRST DATE: It. Was. So. Awkward. LOL We didn't really know what to say to each other. I kept trying to keep the conversation moving but I could only think of so many topics before my brain went, "Fuck this! Let him find someone to talk about!" LOL Our first date was a movie (Last Exorcism) and then dinner at a diner in Astor Place, where the awkward conversation took place. We actually said "Yeah" about 10 times in a row. No Joke!

So I just figured we would probably just be friends because I didn't feel a connection/spark. So I invited him to a game night at my place with my friends. He didn't stay long since it's about an hour to 2 hour drive between here and Long Island (depending on traffic). And he ended up leaving at the perfect time, because 5 minutes after he left, my friend Carolyn started to vomit. LOL

We hung out a couple of times with my friends, by catching dinner or going to UCB. Finally I decided to hold his hand since he seemed to like me but didn't seem to be making any effort, but he responded by caressing it, which was nice, so I'm like, "Okay. He likes me." And then he drove 3 hours through tornado weather to see me, so Carolyn thinks he likes me. LOL

About 2 weeks into our "dating" I went over to his place for the second time to watch Supernatural with him, only this time, instead of watching it in his basement, like we did the first time, we went into his bedroom because that's where his TiVo was... So I was awkward because we only just kissed a little before and now we were on his bed... And of course the only way to be comfortable was for both of us to play down on his twin bed... LOL *sighs* Which lead to us making out and the removal of some clothes... WHICH IS BAD BECAUSE I didn't even know how I felt about him at the time!!! But the conversation of sex came up and he said that he didn't want to have sex until there were "feelings" which I'm assuming he meant the feeling of love, but he didn't say it, and I agreed. I've had meaningless/unemotional sex. It's not as good as sex with someone you have feelings for. So I was relieved to hear that Tom wanted to wait. But he warned me that he would probably pressure me into it because he's good at screwing things up. Which I thought was cute that he was nervous about screwing things up because that meant that he intended for us to got somewhere and not for us to just be... fuck buddies? I mean (as lame as this is going to sound) he made plans to see Harry Potter with me in November, which freaked me out because that eluded to commitment and I have a fear of commitment...

A few days later we went to another movie (Catfish) and it was like I was dating another person! He was a lot more chatty and relaxed and funny and I really liked it! He was always close to me or touching me by holding my hand or having his arm around me. It was really cute! I liked this "new" Tom. When I commented it on, he said it was because the first couple times we got together I was seeing his "representative", which cracked me up! I had never thought of it like that before! When you meet new people, you (tend) to be on your best behavior and don't show the real you aka "You send your representative"!

The nest week Tom came over and made dinner for me! He made homemade chicken parmesan, which was really good. But it was so weird and awkward because 1) I didn't know what to do while he was cooking. I was just standing around like an idiot, and 2) when we sat down at the dining room table to "have our romantic dinner", my roommates Justin and Alex were 5 feet away watching "The Waterboy" and could hear everything. LOL So they felt awkward, I felt awkward, I'm betting Tom felt awkward. LMAO Good times. After dinner, Tom and I went to "The Town" in the next city over, but got lost on our way back! LOL I thought it was hilarious because it's kinda a sketchy area but you can't turn around, and we didn't have a GPS so I didn't know how to get us back to my place unless we turned around. LOL So we drove a good 5-10 miles out of the way so we could turn around and get back on the NJP. I thought it was a fun adventure. I'm not sure what Tom thought. But once we got back to my place we went into my room to fool around. Things progressed... Talents were shared... And things were denied.


Then Friday night came... I wasn't feeling the best when I left but I wanted to see Tom because I had been thinking about him a lot. But the further I went, the worse I began to feel. Eventually I had to pull over somewhere in Queens and pull into a McDonalds because I was so dizzy and felt sick to my stomach. I was about 30 minutes way from Tom, but I had been driving for close to an hour because of traffic and the stop and go plus the lights really made me feel sick. He offered to come and pick me up but I felt bad about that and I didn't want to leave my car in some random place in Queens so I drove the rest of the way. When i got to Tom's we sat on his couch and watched Supernatural, which was really cool because the dark helped my headache and Tom was there to his arm around me and rub my temples and he made me feel better. Then for some reason, he decided we should move to his room... So whatever, we did. And we end up making out again, but... *trying not to laugh* I was having monster heartburn on top of whatever else I was feeling, so I was having these throat noise/burp things happening... It was SO frickin embarrassing! I can't believe he was still trying to kiss me and make out with me when all these weird noises were coming from my throat! So I was really embarrassed but he didn't seem to care. But things progressed... and I denied... but then I started to feel weak because of what he was doing and... things happened that shouldn't have happened because I wasn't really ready for it. *sighs* I totally shouldn't have let it happen. I wasn't emotionally ready for it. I didn't expect it to happen, but my bff Dave told me I was stupid for thinking that Tom really wanted to wait because "guys are horny and God gave us 2 heads but only enough blood to work one at a time". LOL So... I don't know how Tom feels about what happened. I know that as soon as it happened I regretted it and wished that I had waited until we were ready. And I know that as soon as it happened I shut down emotionally and wanted to leave immediately after it happened, but instead I just laid there in his bed thinking, "Okay. When would be the best time to leave without him thinking I'm runaway... which I am". LOL So I left about 15 minutes later since "that temptation was over". (He actually said that after it was over. I believe the exact words were "Well, now we don't have to worry about that temptation" or something like that...)

So now I feel like Tom got what he wanted all along and I have no idea how he feels about what happened because WE DON'T TALK!!! The most we say is "How's your day?" Like no serious conversation has ever passed our lips with each other. I don't know if he's not comfortable talking to me, or if he's a private person, or what, but because he doesn't share, I'm not sharing either, which is really weird for me because I'm used to being able to talk openly to whoever I date, which I really value, but I don't feel like I can talk to Tom, which sucks because my bff Alex wants me to talk things out him. But instead, I've just been avoiding him. LOL Way to go me. take the 14 year old approach. I'm not answering a lot of his texts (which is our ONLY form of communication), I haven't asked about when we're going to see each other next, and I actually told him that we probably won't see each other for a while because of his job, my new job, and his school. He seemed disappointed... I guess?

UGH! I CAN'T FIGURE THIS KID OUT! I haven't met any of his friends so I can't snoop that way and he's not close to any of my friends to talk to them about what's going on so I'm lost! I think he likes me, yes. How much? I have no freaking clue! How does he feel about having sex before there were "feelings"? I have no freaking clue! Alex my roommate told me I should tell him that I don't want to have sex anymore because I'm not ready. He thinks he'll understand because he's seen Tom with me and thinks Tom really cares about me. Alex my bff told me the same thing about telling him I don't want to have sex again until I'm ready but how the hell do I bring it up?!

Gotta love Casting

So today is a day when I know why I want to be a casting director. =) Today they are casting for a commercial Halloween spoof of Geico, and grown men have to scream like little girls and weep. It's the funniest frickin thing!!! Because these are big guys that they're bringing in and then they "get scared" and scream. It's absolutely hilarious! I don't even have to be in the casting room to appreciate it, but it's even funnier watching them react!!! They curl their hands around their mouth and contort their faces... I have to cover my mouth to not ruin the takes! And watching the casting director give direction to get the best performance out of the actor is something I really like too. I WANT to do that. I want to know that I chose the actor for the client to see, and then I directed them to give the best performance they could, so then they could land the job. As a casting director you get the chance to work on several different projects and direct several different skits. It would be so much fun! I even like the office work involved (from what I've seen). I'm fairly certain THIS is what I want to do with my life. At least for now. LOL

House Party Jersey Style

Back in Iowa, I frequently had game nights over at my apartment. It was a comfortable place for my friends to get together, laugh, joke, be competitive, and have good time, without getting retard drunk. But here in New Jersey/New York, drinking is a very social/daily thing. It seems every time I get together with my friends in New York, there is drinking involved, and I'm not a big drinker.

So when my friends came over last night for tacos and games, drinking games were the games of choice, instead of board games (like we usually did). So we started out eating tacos, then played DrinkMaster. Shortly after this, Tom (my date from Wednesday) and I felt bad because this is only the SECOND time we've met and now he was meeting my friends, who were drunk. He seemed to adjust nicely. But entire time, it was "embarrass Nicole game". Justin and Alex kept referring to wet wets and vag juice, which cracked me up and embarrassed me at the same time. Then we went on to play The Game of Things which I love. But for one of the questions, "What would improve your sex life?" Justin wrote "Nicole in my attic naked". So then that became the running joke. LOL It was fine, I was slightly tipsy and I thought it was hilarious.

After that, Justin really wanted to do the Ouija board, so most of us sat on the floor to do that, but nothing happened (obviously) because we were giving off negative vibes. So then Justin wanted to watch PARANORMAL ACTIVITY but Sarah was too afraid and thought that would scare her too badly so her, Dan, Alex, and Carolyn decided to play Highs and Lows... After being pretty toasted, while Justin, Tom, and I looked up creepy stuff online. LOL Shortly after Tom had to leave because he worked the next morning, the vomiting started. As I was saying goodbye to Tom, Carolyn was the one to drink the community drink or whatever, and that put her over. So when I went to get the puke bowl, she had already vomited on the table cloth. So we took that way and I rinsed it off in my shower the best I could. When I came back Carolyn didn't want the bowl but she was still really sick looking, and I happened to slide the bowl right under her head RIGHT as she was puking! I couldn't have timed that any better. The next hour or so was trying to figure out if she was asleep or done vomiting. We eventually was able to move her from the dinning room table to a rolling chair, so we could move her to the couch slowly... Well Dan wanted to help, but his idea was moving Carolyn, while she was nauseous, was doing it quickly and not smooth... So as soon as I moved Carolyn to the couch she vomited again. Thank you Dan. After I emptied the vomit bowl for the fourth time, she had passed out on the couch, while Dan was snoring on the floor and Sarah was sleep in the couch.

So that was my exciting first house party. Vomiting and making fun of Nicole all night. Gotta love my friends.

NOW you're interested?

Today I had two interviews: 1 for an assistant position to the co-owner of a talent agency, and the other for Red Lobster. LOL I went to the Assistant position first because it was the first job interview I got in my field that paid! I was excited! So I went in and met with the HR director, who was intense and asked questions very quickly, which made me respond quickly. LOL It was like:

Him: "What is your strongest attribute?"

Me: "I'm organized."

Him: "What do you look for in a boss."

Me: "Someone who can give positive feed back and not criticize all the time."

I felt like I was filling out a questionnaire! It was funny to me. So I must have passed his round of the interview, because he handed me over to a past assistant, who was not a junior agent. She told me to expect as Jon's assistant. He warned me that he was very intense (and I'm thinking, "More intense than rapid fire over here?") and that he was constantly busy because he is in charge of promo work and voice overs so he is constantly booking people and it's a very fast paced job. She said she was his assistant for a year but it felt like 10 years but it flew by so fast... What the heck does THAT mean? But she also said that he is the best person to learn the business from and if you work with him, you can do anything... So that seemed slightly ominous and I admitted that the position scared me a little. LOL She said that a thick skin was needed for the job, and honestly, I don't know if I have that, but what a better way to learn that having to grow it immediately?

After I talked to her, I talked to another past assistant who was now the other co-owner's assistant, and she said that Jon was intense and put on a front, but was a actually a big softie and respected people who stuck up for themselves. She said that she had called him out a few times about being rude and that an earlier assist actually got in his face a couple of times, but her and him are now really close and she is actually heading up the LA branch that they just opened! I just can't imagine myself "yelling" at my boss... It's the Midwest mentality I suppose.

So then I had to rush to my interview in Secaucus for Red Lobster. I get there after it took me FOREVER to get out of the City and I find out that the position had already been filled... The assistant manager came and told me that they expected me yesterday. I told her that I called on MONDAY and had my interview rescheduled to today because I couldn't make it yesterday because of my other job. She asked who I spoke to (LIKE I WOULD REMEMBER) because they never got the message... UGH! WAY TO GO STUPID HOSTESS!!! When I called on Monday, I asked if I could come in that day for the interview since I couldn't make it Wednesday. She then tells me that he has a meeting the next day... Okay. I asked to reschedule for TODAY. So then she reschedules me for Thursday but doesn't tell anyone! I hate her whoever she is.

So now I don't have any second job prospects and one possible scary assistant position that I won't know if I received for another week or 2. LOL Then I received an email about another talent agent assistant position that is part time at a small firm. So, I may have an interview with them soon. I want an income. I NEED an income.

So Many Options...

I never thought having TOO many opportunities would be a problem, but it is! When I first started applying for internships, I applied to pretty much anything dealing with the industry and got a couple offers. I first got offered an internship with a movie trailer company. It's a small business called Zealot Productions, and I was super excited because I always wanted to do movie trailers but I had no idea how to go about it! But the current intern didn't know when his last day was, so he was going to call me about that.

Meanwhile, I got an internship with HGTV as a set intern (or free PA) on Dear Genevieve, but I ended up doing office work the first two weeks because they weren't in production yet. I don't mind office work, but I just didn't really like it there. Several times they sent me out on errands without giving me enough petty cash to cover the costs, so that irritated me. The "last straw" came after a long day and they sent me to the post office... at 5:15pm... to mail 20 certified letters... and I was suppose to get off at 6pm. Well, as we all know, most post offices aren't open after 5p so I had to go to one of the few in Manhattan that was, which was 20 blocks away. When I get there there is a little bit of a line so I had to wait about 15 minutes because there were only 3 people working. So I get up there, only to be told that I have to fill out 20 little slips of paper to send certified mail. So I get OUT of line and go fill out 20 slips of paper for these envelopes. I turn around to get back in line and the line is half away across the building, and this is a HUGE building! I didn't get up to the counter until 6:45p, and then the clerk had computer problems before having to scan and weigh each letter individually. Turns out certified mail costs $3.24 a letter... I was given $26 for 20 letters... If you do the math, you can see that I wasn't given NEARLY enough money to cover the costs, so I had to put it on my credit card. (The total was around $64) I didn't get out of the post office until 7:15p and they wanted me to come BACK to the office afterwards to drop off the slips. So I called the office and no one picked up, so I assumed that they left and caught dinner with a friend. They called me at 7:30p asking if I was coming back still... Needless to say, I got reimbursed for my money the next day, then quit the following.

But I had another internship lined up with Paladino Casting. It's a small casting agency and since I'm interested in casting, and they hire interns as freelance once they're internship is done, I took that position in hopes of getting a job out of it.

Meanwhile, Zealot called me back and asked me to begin working next week.

PROBLEM: 1. These internships are non-paid, so I need a paying job. So I applied at Red Lobster in Secausus, NJ and since the assistant manager is from Iowa, I got an immediate interview! YAY I go back for an interview with the manager next week. =) But I need to work about 20-30 hours a week there, which means I need to give them 4 days of availability, but I am working 4 days a week on the internships... 2. I have received a few calls about interning at a talent agency, WHICH I REALLY WANT TO DO! And there is one that has the possibility of turning into an assistant position, so I of course want to work there... which means I would have to say goodbye to the movie trailer internship since there is no possibility of growth within the company. It would be purely for experience, or as my ex put it: "fluff". I also got offered an internship with a talent management company that I had to turn down because I accepted the movie trailer internship.

So... I have been offered many internships (YAY! GOOD!), all unpaid (BOO), and I don't have enough time in the week to do them (BOO?) so I think I'm going to tell the movie trailer internship that I can't do it anymore (since they took 2 weeks to get back to me) and have found another position. I have been praying about getting an internship with a talent agency and I have an interview with one so... I'm thinking my prayers are being answered, which means I need to say goodbye to the "fluff" internship, even though I'm really interested in movie trailers. =(

Are you Fucking Kidding me?!

I started to be okay with it. I started to get over it. I vented and got it all out and it made me feel better. I began to think that I was over reacting... AND THEN I FIND OUT SHE'S ONLY 20!? YOU'RE SOON TO BE 27!!! WHAT THE HELL?! You like them younger so they're easier to manipulate and lie to? Jesus! I really thought I was okay with it until I found this out.

*COUPLE HOURS & A CONVO LATER*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! YOU FUCKING PISS ME OFF!!!! I needed to talk to you about what I was thinking and feeling and then we end up throwing a pity party for you! We end up talking about how you think you ruined Sarah's life and how your life is shit and I, of course, end up going into friend mode and talking to you about it and trying to help you see that it wasn't your fault. THIS CONVO WASN'T SUPPOSE TO BE ABOUT YOU! I wanted to tell you off. To be pissed. To get some advice. But No Fucking No! SOMEHOW the convo gets turned around to you! You fucking tricked me into being your friend for an hour. Even if you don't claim that you did, fuck you. You did. Because you knew that I would. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I want to hate you so much but I can't! I want to cut you out of my life. I want to say goodbye. I want to tell you to fuck off, that you hurt the one person who cared for you like a real friend should. The one person who helped you get through the beginning of your divorce. The one who listened and said what needed to be said even if I didn't agree. I sympathize with her more than I do you. And I know that's terrible because I'm suppose to be YOUR friend, but I understand where she is coming from because I've been there. You were her Matt, only she went through with the marriage while I had the guts to back out in time. The more I learn, the more you're like Matt... and that breaks my heart all over again.

I know you want to be friends... And part of me wants that too. But I don't know if it's possible. I don't know if I can be unbias. Because I'll tell you right now I want you and her to fail. I don't want you and her to work out because... because it would hurt. You look nice for her. You put on cologne for her. You only did that for me twice... I don't want you to move on. Not yet. And I want to be bitter and mad but I don't know if I should. I'm so fucking confused about all of this. I feel like if I become your friend so quickly that I'm letting you off the hook too easily. But I feel like if I stay mad, I'll just push you away. Alex and Dave want me to drop you and never talk to you again. And part of me agrees... but part of me doesn't want to let go. I made you promise not to disappear again, and now I want you to stick to the promise, even if it's bad for me.

What was I thinking?

So I keep having dreams about my ex who I haven't talked to in... 2 years. So I read into all these dreams as, "Hey! Maybe I should contact him again!" because when you first wake up in the morning, your mind is running on all cylinders... So I send him a text message using the last phone number I have for him. I pretty much said it was me, that I knew texting him was completely random but my dreams told me too (I'm an idiot), and I would like to reconnect with him if he wanted. I receive a text back saying, "I don't know you leave me alone". Okay... so did I get the wrong number or did I actually get my ex and he wants nothing to do with me? So I sent him a message on fb asking him. LOL I. Am. So. Retarded. I'm just getting tired of these dreams that I keep having of him. You'd think after 3/4 years I would be over him, but apparently NOT. I keep having dreams that he wants to be with me again. Ugh. And then I keep having dreams that my recent ex is trying to sleep with me sister so... that's nice. My head is fucked up. Yay me.

Annoyed rambling!

I have been wanting to talk to you all day and then you go to bed! UGH! I know that you can't really help being sick, but I wanted to hear about your weekend and tell you about my night and you freakin go to bed! That annoyed me so freaking bad!!! I don't think I'm really upset with you so much as I'm upset with myself for being this upset about it! I shouldn't care so much that I can't talk to you. We're not dating anymore, but you're the one I want to talk to and share my day with and I get sad when I can't. I also just realized that I get jealous of your time. When it's not with me, and I don't know what you're doing, I'm wondering who you're with and I'm jealous, which is so incredibly stupid. I feel stupid.